Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
You Might Also Like
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
Breaking news:
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time