if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
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[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
Not me starting to realize, after 87 failed attempts to take a decent selfie, that the beauty of the soul is what really matters 🥲
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before