the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
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“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
Cake!!
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn