Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
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Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
Friends that check up on you >
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
*cough*
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
A customer told me they were never coming back….
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography