Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
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Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?