Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
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[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.