If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
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[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
Yup.
I hope it’s French Onion!
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you