I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
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I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
where do you see yourself in five years?
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
just having fun
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.