that’s really how it is
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Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.