You make a compelling argument, Morty.
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ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.