Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
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[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
You only hear about go-go boots. I’d buy the shit out of some stay-stay boots. I stay more than I go. Finally some boots that fit my lifestyle and whatnot.
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.