Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
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law suits: quality garments for lawyers
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*