If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
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I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
We need to put an American base on the sun
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
*pronounces carrot like tarot*