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I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
pat pat
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?