It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
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Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.