Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
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Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
It was worth a shot 😂
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
I got soap in my shower beer again.
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me: