My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
You Might Also Like
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!-Librarians arguing
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
dude it’s called proctologist
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.