I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
You Might Also Like
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four