[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
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[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
I don’t carry my wallet to work because I’m afraid someone will steal it while I’m sleeping.
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
I only treason on days ending in y
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey