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The opposite of Iceland is water water
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
this has to be peak English
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
*pronounces patio like ratio
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.