my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
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[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
This meal prepping shit is easy
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it