[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day