can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
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I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”