(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
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This group of patrons’ success at finding the single most acoustically resonant spot in the library to have their loud profanity-laced conversation is a feat of such scientific precision that I’m frankly hesitant to shut it down
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.