romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
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uh oh
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
No selfies while hijacking a train.
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture