oh sorry i cant im busy that day
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Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
👾👾👾
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go