Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
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A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling