Need this in my life lol
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“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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It’s an epidemic…
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE