You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
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*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
no one ever comes back
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.