ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
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i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’