30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
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when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
This meeting could have been a cake
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
Saturday
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)