Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
You Might Also Like
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
Follow me for more life hacks.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
I really want to retire but these stupid bills just keep
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
100% of divorces begin with marriage.