God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
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I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.