10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
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me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
Beauty and the Beast
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
AM I BEING GASLIT????
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.