Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
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Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
The government even made aliens boring
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?