My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
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[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
My mom didn’t want me to get hurt playing football, so she made me take theater, and the first thing they told me was to break a leg.
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.