I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
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Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.