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“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.