Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
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I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?