I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
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So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
Just how popey was the pope today?
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
me and who
They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table