I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
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[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
Yoga Matt
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
Think I pulled my liver
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark