Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
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“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
dam girl
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?