Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
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One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
I’m not average. I’m mean.
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.