interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
You Might Also Like
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science