What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash
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Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well