If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
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Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
are they though??
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???