Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
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College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you