“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
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30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
happy mother’s day❤️
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.