*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
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If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.