Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
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*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?